Mom is caught between who she is and who she wants to be
I was supposed to be a trophy wife. It's what my mother trained me to do. (I hope she unknowingly trained me in this and
did not purposefully only give me the skills I'd need to trap keep a man.)
(I'll never know.)
(I suspect it was intentional.)
(I can't blame her though, growing
up I gave no indication I could survive on my own.)
I learned how to chemically improve my
hair, exploit the purpose of make-up, flirt…and take the path of least
resistance.
Unfortunately, trophy wife-ism is
the only thing I fully trained for and now I'm too old to be one. I missed my
calling AND since I'm not doing it, I'm drowning in a world I have to run because
I have only useless skills to draw from. Smiling gratuitously does not help balance
a budget.
It’s possible I have this all wrong,
but the thought process of the moment is:
Perceived Trophy Wife Skills
I am very
good at this on any budget level (currently I buy the fabulous $2 NYC nail
polish at Target, the wonderful store where a spray tan in a can is $8 on sale...impossible
to apply evenly, but it keeps me busy trying). However, I could actually look
like a trophy wife with a professional manicure, pedicure, spray tan, eye lift,
regular micro-dermabrasion and a daily massage. Now I use 20 gage sand paper in
an “at-home” dermabrasion technique along with Scotch tape to lift my eyelids
out of my eyes.
My point
is though – I have the skills to stand in a spray tan booth and sit with a
manicurist.
Traveling
I am very
good at staying in hotels. Plus, I speak French - which is useless unless you're a
trophy wife who travels. (Oh!! My mother suggested I take French!)
Thoughtful Consumption
Drinking
poolside, ordering dinner from the chef for children who are elsewhere, very
discerning with fine chocolate, wine, Tuscan cuisine. I’m pretty sure I can do
this.
Additionally,
starving myself when the above get out of hand.
Good with men
I can make
a man feel - good. about himself. about me. That's the true calling of the
trophy wife. I think. We didn’t get that far in my training. I did learn how to dance,
laugh and smile gratuitously, and flirting with men are the only areas in which I have
found these skills to be useful.
Exciting previous career
I was a
Rockette and something like 99% of Rockette's marry millionaires. Seriously. I
am in the 1%. I did not marry a millionaire.
That's it.
How did I miss what I spent my entire
life preparing for?
I know actually. I said no to
all the men who could give me a trophy
life and married the confident boy who wisely made me laugh out loud and
learn to like who I was underneath the $2 nail polish and $8 spray tan. And
he's younger...I guess that actually makes me a cougar
I said yes to genuine laughter and
joy - and a lifetime of luxury avoidance. I guess I'm deeper than my mother and
I thought at the outset. And my life is not completely devoid of hedonistic
richness, in fact, compared to most other countries – I live in the lap of luxury.
A small, comfortable lap.
So, what do I do with the skills I
have, but don’t need? How do I get the skills I do need? Is it possible that I already
have everything I need to be the wife of a teacher and a mother of two girls,
just not the capacity to recognize it?
Am I just confusing a trophy wife
with white trash? Am I just a white trash cougar? Probably.
Because if I was really trophy wife
material I would 1) be one and 2) yeah, I don’t have a 2). Trophy wives are
amazing now – they start multi-million dollar businesses. Gone are the days when
they only looked good. Damn! Again, I say, I missed it!!!
Ultimately, my soul is torn between
gratitude for our sweet, warm lives and the desire for lazy luxurious days. I
am so very grateful for all I’ve been blessed with and haven’t yet destroyed by
ignorance. Nothing changes that. Scared though, that the legacy I’m leaving my
daughters is the same soul-searching struggle.
My girls are almost grown. It’s
time. It’s just time, for me to become something more than a white-trash-cougar-trophy-wife-wanna-be.
I wanna be something good. And where do I go from here? I'm still floundering
around looking for something else I'm trained for.
Where is the job that calls
for a lazy, un-evenly tan, laughing woman with peeling nail polish and Scotch
tape above her eyes?
Is it possible the job is still at
home, guiding two teenage girls to come into their own 1%?
My girls are going to be leaving
home soon and I will have to find a paying job.
Where do the 1% go back to work?
I am seriously asking. Please feel
free to suggest.
I love your writing, as you know. I find this one expertly written, funny and heartbreaking all at once. You - woman of many talents are raising two wonderful human beings. The world needs more of you and your highly-valued exceptional children. And hamsters.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Marti
Marti!! I love a comment on the blog itself!!! Thank you soooo, soooo much. For writing here, for saying nice things and almost above all...understanding the need for hamsters. I am going to get one today.
DeleteSince you already have the white-trash-cougar thing down pat, why not train others to acquire the skills you yourself have so effortlessly honed? Would people pay for such a thing? I know a few who should...
ReplyDeleteYour writing makes me smile with my heart, please don't stop. Ever. I mean that. :)